Monday, April 2, 2012

The A word and others

All of a sudden your dreams and all the plans came to a screeching halt. Your body as you knew it is no longer the same. What you thought you could do was no longer what you were capable of doing. For me, at first, was amazement and in awe of what I was feeling (or not feeling) on the right side of my body. The shock was still present so I was going on as if nothing had really happened. That I would wake up from this horrible dream and learn what I needed to know going forward with a happy life as before. Shock and trying to listen to what the doctors, nurses and even those that were therapists, making objectives to be fun and should be back to normal in 6 months or so they thought because of my progression I had while in the first hospital. All this in 2 weeks - shock, sadness kicked in at night when I was alone after my fiance' had to go back to our state 6 hours away. I can do this I thought, whatever is thrown at me. Then the A word started to sneak in a few weeks later after coming back home to being stuck in another hospital. Anger - it's just beginning to peek from it's corner of the boxing ring.

Oh the first year was full of emotion but Anger really hit and hit hard the first 6 months and maybe longer. Even now I have to watch my temper and anxiety level when dealing with change and challenges. There are so many examples but they hurt too much. I was angry and screaming inside sometimes not understanding what was happening. I made messes, throwing things, hitting myself, letting whatever come out of my mouth just flow instead of biting my tongue, hurt others with words and really was not in a good place. I couldn't even form the right words to apologize even though inside I was hurting to stop and crying so much that I acted out so horribly. Even when I tried to apologize the words still screwed up. Oh how I wish things had not happened. I hope that one day those that I hurt will be able to forgive me fully and come to understand why I acted the way I did.

When something traumatic happens to your life or your body, so many emotions come flying at you from all over the place and not exactly at the same time. Those emotions and feelings were stronger than any other time before my stroke and trying to process everything that had happened has been hard at times. What I learned over the last two years and still learning cannot be easy to write. Some of those times were really dark and lonely but I never was alone. The light that shines from God's word has cleared away some of the darkness and I thank the Lord for allowing me this life here, for forgiveness of Sins and restoring of His relationship as well as others. God's word is truth and His desire for our lives. Jesus dealt with temptation including anger but He did not sin. Thank you Jesus for showing us that we can be angry but not sin.

"Seeing then that we have a great High Priest
 who has passed through the heavens,
 Jesus the Son of God, let us hold fast our confession.
  For we do not have a High Priest
 who cannot sympathize with our weaknesses,
 but was in all points tempted as we are, yet without sin.
 Let us therefore come boldly to the throne of grace,
 that we may obtain mercy and find grace to help in time of need."
Hebrews 4:14-16


Child of God said...

Hi Sara,

What you have gone through is so tough and trying to put down your feelings is even tougher. Good for you for giving this a go!! :)


Clint said...

I'm so glad you brought up the subject of anger. We so often repress our feelings in this regard. We do not want to admit our anger---we say we are "frustrated" or some such. I see this all the time and have certainly experienced it myself.

But, of course, what you have been through is over the top. Who wouldn't be mad? I know I would be mad at God---at least at first. Bless you, dear lady.